baby daddy

I see babies everywhere (it's hard not to when you work at a preschool), and whereas before they generated a shock of fear, now they trigger a touch of longing. I'm still a bit terrified, but that bit has become a back seat second fiddle to my almost ache to hold Parker in my arms and dance her around the room. I'm not sure if my students realize it, but I'm much more prone to hoist them into the air and spin them around nowadays. I look at new parents (well, not that new I suppose, my little kid sightings are more of the 1+ year old variety and less of the what has been lovingly referred to as the screaming loaf of bread stage) with a twinge of jealousy, and and an over anxiousness that, though a happy feeling, is still slightly unnerving. So I would say yes, I am ready (ready in my dim perception of parenthood, which is surely fraught with more illusions than the magic castle and the magic kingdom combined) to be a daddy. More than that though, I want to be, and if these feelings can be trusted, I need to be. Be it biological imperative, pregnancy contact high, or simply serendipity, I cannot wait to be a dad.

And with that, I'm finding a whole new side to my personality, the conservative protector. Being a teacher, I know about the side of me that has to be stern when I'd almost want to laugh at some of the kids' behavior, but I'm finding that I'm making a lot of rules in my head about what Parker is NOT allowed to do, and she's not even born yet! I finally am appreciating the comedy of the over-protective dad (as seen in many (every?) teen movie), but I do hope that once she is out and about instead of in utero I'll loosen up. I mean, I used to think of myself as fairly laid back, but if Parker leaves the house in anything less then full kevlar plate armor, with a security detail of less than five people, and without a gps microchip embedded in her scalp (and don't even ask about going out at night!), I might not be able to maintain my nonchalant detachment and cucumber cool demeanor.

Lastly, I felt Parker kick for the first time last night. Not quite the Bruce Lee Jeet Kune Tek I'd expect from a girl with her Kung Fu lineage (I've got some nice kicks, but Connie's (or as I've learned from our students recently, she prefers Constance) legs are like spring steel), but it was SO nice to have a tactile connection to the life inside my wife instead of just watching it from afar.
Here's to June!